Schiache Wiener – ein Überlebensguide

Der Wiener ist ein alter „Grantscheam“!

Egal wo man sie trifft, die Wiener und Wienerinnen, sie haben niemals ein Lächeln aufgelegt. Laufen mit düsterer Miene und ausgefahrenen und zum Einsatz bereiten Ellenbogen durch die Straßen. Vor ihnen muss man sich hüten. Rempelt man sie auf eng frequentierten Straßen an, kann man sich sicher sein, eine saftige verbale Retourkutsche einzustreichen à la: „Heast, Elendiga. Aufpassen.“

Doch neben dem Passantenwiener, der einem auf offener Straße begegnet und dem man im Zweifelsfall gut aus dem Weg gehen kann, muss sich der Restösterreicher natürlich auch gegen die Wiener wappnen, die einem gezwungenermaßen im Alltag begegnen. Hierzu gehören natürlich der grantige Trafikant und die Kassiererin beim Billa, die alle Zeit der Welt hat und furchtbar ungehalten wird, wenn man sie höflich bittet, eine zweite Kasse zu öffnen.

Der Wiener Trafi“grant“ darf niemals mit direktem Augenkontakt belästigt werden. Auf das unhöfliche „Ja?“, das suggeriert, man solle doch endlich sagen was man will, darf nur eine kurze, prägnante Bestellung folgen. Beispiele: „A Packl rote Gauloise“ oder „Drei Stunden Parkschein, bitte.“ Dann muss sofort das Geld auf die dafür vorgesehen Platte gelegt werden, am besten genau abgezählt, damit der Trafigrant nicht auch noch Wechselgeld aus seiner Kasse fummeln muss, und dann schnell raus aus der Situation, bevor der Trafikant anfängt sich über sein Leben zu beschweren. Versäumt man den Punkt, an dem man gehen hätte können, hängt man Stunden in diesem Bermudadreieck fest und muss sich Geschichten über das “gute alte Wien” anhören.

Die Kassiererin ist ebenso wie der Trafigrant nicht anzuplaudern. Wir sind ja immerhin in Wien und nicht in Restösterreich. An der Kasse wird gezahlt, nicht geplauscht.

Ist die Kassiererin jedoch für Höflichkeiten empfänglich und fängt an mit einem zu ratschen – ACHTUNG! Nämlich vor den anderen schlangestehenden Wienern. Die drücken ihren Unmut über das langsame Voranschreiten gerne mal mit einem schrillen „zweite Kassaa!“ aus. Hierbei ist also ratsam immer Kopfhörer oder noch besser Ohropax eingesteckt zu haben, um die Überschallkreischerei der anderen zu überstehen.

Die Überlebensregel Numero eins: Mit einem Lächeln auf den Lippen kommt man in Wien nicht weit. Man wird abgestempelt als Nichtwiener, wird übergangen, übersehen und über den Tisch gezogen. Nur wer mit grimmig, angespannter Miene durch die Straßen wandert, wird als echter Wiener verkannt und höflich ignoriert oder unhöflich wahrgenommen.

Wer also in Wien ein gemütliches, fremdgrantfreies Leben leben will, der muss selber grantig werden und seine Ellenbogen vor dem Verlassen der Wohnung ordentlich anspitzen.

#WillkommeninWien

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    Lach mich kaputt. So richtig gut beschrieben. Es gibt noch einge die lächeln, was aber bei genaueren hinschaun zur Fratze wird. Also Brillen aufsetzen.
    Keine Sorge, ein gemütliches fremdgrantfreies leben, nimmst du selber schnell an, ohne das du es merkst. Man passt ich somit automatisch an, wenn man nicht vorher die Flucht ergreift 🙂

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